Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Pyongyang, North Korea-
In the days following the death of the late North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Il, the world demand for pantsuits has been in free-fall. Industry experts throughout the pantsuit industry are scrambling to find new business partners after Kim Jong Il, who was the pantsuit industry's largest consumer, passed on. "We knew he was into our products, but we didn't know he was that into them," said Pantsuit Worldwide's CEO David Allerbanks. Allerbanks went on to say, "If we had known that our business only survived to aid a dictator in his fashion choices, we'd have reconstructed our business model years ago." With Kim Jong Il dead, the demand has gone so low that some stores are adding them on as free gifts for other purchases. Los Angeles based Macy's owner Eddie Bernard stated, "How else am I going to sell my supply of 500 incredibly bland, beige pantsuits? Simply put, apparently nobody else in the world wanted pantsuits." As sales have tanked, stock prices for pantsuit manufacturing companies have hit record lows, putting the world's economy in jeopardy. Due to Kim Jong Il's high demand for pantsuits, the pantsuit industry made up 5% of international commerce. Now, that number is down to an unrecognizable fraction. "Thank God Hillary Clinton exists," stated Allerbanks, "without her, we might actually have no customers." In newly released figures from Pantsuit Worldwide, statistics show that Hillary Clinton now makes up 99.99% of the company's business, with the other 0.01% of business going to Hillary Clinton impersonators. With the business resting solely on one person's consumption, many in the Pantsuit Worldwide factory are talking about switching to jobs with more security. "Vladimir Putin's still going strong and still needs exercise equipment, yes? Maybe I'll go work for like Bowflex or something" said Pantsuit Worldwide employee John Reyner. Reyner's sentiments are shared by many throughout the factory, who don't see the feasibility in a business model that now entirely hinges on Hillary Clinton's consumption. "It's going to be tough knowing that my family's income depends on how fast Hillary Clinton can go through pantsuits," Reyner said," but in these hard economic times, I guess I'll just have to trust Hillary's ability to soil her pantsuits with her presence alone, and have to buy new ones."