Tuesday, December 20, 2011

World Pantsuit Demand Plummets Following the Death of Kim Jong Il

Pyongyang, North Korea-

In the days following the death of the late North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Il, the world demand for pantsuits has been in free-fall.  Industry experts throughout the pantsuit industry are scrambling to find new business partners after Kim Jong Il, who was the pantsuit industry's largest consumer, passed on.  "We knew he was into our products, but we didn't know he was that into them," said Pantsuit Worldwide's CEO David Allerbanks.  Allerbanks went on to say, "If we had known that our business only survived to aid a dictator in his fashion choices, we'd have reconstructed our business model years ago."  With Kim Jong Il dead, the demand has gone so low that some stores are adding them on as free gifts for other purchases.  Los Angeles based Macy's owner Eddie Bernard stated, "How else am I going to sell my supply of 500 incredibly bland, beige pantsuits?  Simply put, apparently nobody else in the world wanted pantsuits."  As sales have tanked, stock prices for pantsuit manufacturing companies have hit record lows, putting the world's economy in jeopardy.  Due to Kim Jong Il's high demand for pantsuits, the pantsuit industry made up 5% of international commerce.  Now, that number is down to an unrecognizable fraction.  "Thank God Hillary Clinton exists," stated Allerbanks, "without her, we might actually have no customers."  In newly released figures from Pantsuit Worldwide, statistics show that Hillary Clinton now makes up 99.99% of the company's business, with the other 0.01% of business going to Hillary Clinton impersonators.  With the business resting solely on one person's consumption, many in the Pantsuit Worldwide factory are talking about switching to jobs with more security.  "Vladimir Putin's still going strong and still needs exercise equipment, yes?  Maybe I'll go work for like Bowflex or something" said Pantsuit Worldwide employee John Reyner.  Reyner's sentiments are shared by many throughout the factory, who don't see the feasibility in a business model that now entirely hinges on Hillary Clinton's consumption.  "It's going to be tough knowing that my family's income depends on how fast Hillary Clinton can go through pantsuits," Reyner said," but in these hard economic times, I guess I'll just have to trust Hillary's ability to soil her pantsuits with her presence alone, and have to buy new ones."

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Penn State Students Protest the Firing of the Campus' Rapist

University Park, Pennsylvania-

Citing the recent uproar amongst the Jerry Sandusky child molestation scandal, Penn State has decided to fire its campus rapist.  "We simply didn't think it was a good idea to have a rapist on our payroll after we realized how mad this stuff makes you guys feel," said Penn State president, Ryan Palencko.  Palencko went on to state, "Ralph Reeves, our rapist for the last twelve years, has provided a great service to both the school and its students.  It's very sad to have to let him go, but we can see that it may not be in our best interest to continue having a rapist working for our school."  However, this news was not taken well by the students of Penn State University.  Many cite the personal relationships that they formed with the rapist, while he forced himself onto them, as reasons for why the firing was unjust.  "If you got past the whole rapey part, Ralph was a really nice guy," said student Peter Stevens.  "When he wasn't raping me, Ralph and I would chill on the quad, play some Frisbee, and talk about chicks we'd totally love to penetrate [...] it's just totally unfair that the school would take advantage of us and fire him without even asking us for our permission or input," Stevens said.  Stevens was joined by a group of approximately 800 fellow students at a campus-wide protest protesting the firing of Reeves.  The protest mainly focused on the seemingly unjust firing of the school's lone rapist.  Signs were held up that stated slogans like, "Since when is rape wrong?" and "It's not rape if we like Ralph."  Nevertheless, the protest failed to sway the opinions of the administration.  "Look, we like Ralph just as much as you do, but unfortunately, today's America vilifies rapists in a completely unfair manner, and we have to comply with those standards," said Dean Kevin Holt.  Holt went on to say that if rapists ever become accepted as the sometimes great people they are, then Ralph Reeves would get his job back.  But as the Jerry Sandusky scandal unfolds, the school has gone into damage control and fired faculty that many students saw as staples of the school.  To the students, Reeves, like ex-football coach Joe Paterno, was simply irreplaceable, and one of the main draws to the school.  As a continued form of protest against the school, students have vowed to camp outside the head office until Reeves gets his job back in a protest named "Occupy our Crevices." 

Friday, November 11, 2011

Hermain Cain: "Oh, THAT'S what Sexual Harassment Is!"

Savannah, Georgia-

In a press conference today, Hermain Cain, seemingly bewildered, admitted to the sexual harassment of multiple women during his time as president of the National Restaurant Association.  Cain stated that the reason he had been denying the allegations for the past 2 weeks was due to a misunderstanding about the definition of sexual harassment.  "I deeply apologize for misleading you for the past couple of weeks," Cain said, "In all honesty, Herman Cain thought sexual harassment was that kinky kind of sex where you shout insults at your partner."  Cain went on to say, "Hell yeah, I sexually harassed those women!  There are two things Hermain Cain needs: pizza, and titties, and unfortunately, the closest thing you can get to breasts on a pizza is chicken breast."  Throughout the conference, Cain seemed greatly unapologetic about committing sexual harassment.  When asked about his motives, Cain responded, "C'mon, I'm a guy."  The only thing Cain appeared apologetic for was misleading the public.  Cain expressed great remorse for not knowing the definition of sexual harassment, but stated that it should have been obvious that he committed sexual harassment.  Cain stated, "I'm terribly sorry that I couldn't accurately report on what I had done, but the signs were everywhere.  Didn't anyone ever stop to wonder why I was smiling at the end of my campaign ad?"  Indeed, Cain embraces the sexual harassment charges, as he says that his past abuses have added great numbers to his "poon count."  Cain stated that he is sorry the public doesn't understand how awesome it was, and hopes that the left-wing-mainstream media can stop attacking him and focus on the fact that they're just jealous.  Following the press conference, Cain attended the launch event for his new condom line: Herman n' Squirmin.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Standard and Poors Downgrades Buca Di Beppo's Zagat Rating

Broomfield, Colorado-

In a major blow to the thriving, authentic Italian restaurant chain, the professional assessment company, Standard and Poors, downgraded Buca Di Beppo's Zagat rating to a meek one star.  In defense of their lowered rating, S&P cites a lack of a true, home-style feeling presented by the restaurant chain.  This undoubtedly drew harsh criticisms of Standard and Poors from both Buca Di Beppo's staff, and its loyal patrons.  "How can S&P say that Buca Di Beppo isn't authentic, home-style Italian cooking?" said local Broomfield, Colorado resident Gary Jenkins, "Every time I walk through the restaurant, they take me straight through their kitchen to create that special, exclusive atmosphere that you can only find at a Buca Di Beppo."  Mr. Jenkins went on to talk about how whenever he attends other local establishments like Olive Garden and P.F. Changs, he is overcome with an overly corporate feel.  "Buca Di Beppo is just different," said Mr. Jenkins, "It's the kind of place where I can take my whole family, and truly feel like a part of the community."  Indeed, the sentiments expressed by Mr. Jenkins' were echoed by an official press release from Buca Di Beppo's corporate offices in New Haven, Connecticut.  The press release stated: "As a local, hole-in-the-wall Italian food establishment, we are appalled by the Zagat downgrade.  Bucca Di Beppo strives itself on serving individual communities by providing fantastic, always flavorful food at establishments that serve as cornerstones to each individual community's culture."  In retaliation for the downgrade, the Bucca Di Beppo two blocks away from S&P's New York office is discontinuing its tours of the kitchen before seating.  To preemptively prevent Zagat downgrades of their own, local Broomfield restaurants such as Panda Express, California Pizza Kitchen, and On the Border Grill have all terminated their contracts with Standard and Poors.  "We have determined that we do not want to have Standard and Poors call our authenticity into question, so we have ceased to do business with them," said Kevin Brokenfield, spokesman for On the Border Grill.  He continued to say, "It's just a scary thought to think that someone would ever call our establishment a cheap corporate ploy, when we've represented Broomfield's substantial Mexican population for 12 years."

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Cash Strapped Libyan Rebels Allow Capital to be Renamed "Tostidos Chipoli"

Banghazi, Libya-

Despite their recent success in overtaking Libya's capital city, Libya's rebels have found themselves needing more and more resources to continue in their overthrow of Muammar Gaddafi.  The constant need for fire arms and rations for Libya's rebels has left the opposition scrambling for ways to find funds to support their war.  The need for funding has gone so far that at 12:35pm today, the Libyan Rebels announced the renaming of the capital city, Tripoli, to Tostidos Chipoli.  "The new name will help us end Muammar Gaddafi's oppressive rule, and in state a new, better order for Libya!  And come on, who doesn't love the crisp taste of Tostidos tortilla chips?" said rebellion spokesperson, Matman Kuliar.  Effective September 1st, the Libyan capital of Tripoli will undergo numerous changes.  Along with the city's name change, the Capitol Building will now be referred to as the Nabiscapitol Buidling, and the Supreme Court will adopt the moniker of Doritos Extreme Cheddar Court.  "We hope the name changes will not only supply us with enough funds to fuel our rebellion, but also show our willingness to be included in the Western World and it's many fantastic customs," said Kuliar while snacking on an energy bar the rebels received for creating the Department of Water and Power Bar.  While the official numbers of corporate sponsor money have not been released yet, other countries are taking note and planning out their own product placement strategies.  Greece, a country in great economic turmoil, is expected to announce a name change to Daphne's Greece shortly.  If the Libyan name change results in a great monetary success, the rebels hope to strike corporate sponsorship deals for each of Libya's major cities.  If the rumors pan out to be true, the city of Banghazi will be officially known as the city of Cincinnati Bengalazi by Spring of 2012.