Friday, November 11, 2011

Hermain Cain: "Oh, THAT'S what Sexual Harassment Is!"

Savannah, Georgia-

In a press conference today, Hermain Cain, seemingly bewildered, admitted to the sexual harassment of multiple women during his time as president of the National Restaurant Association.  Cain stated that the reason he had been denying the allegations for the past 2 weeks was due to a misunderstanding about the definition of sexual harassment.  "I deeply apologize for misleading you for the past couple of weeks," Cain said, "In all honesty, Herman Cain thought sexual harassment was that kinky kind of sex where you shout insults at your partner."  Cain went on to say, "Hell yeah, I sexually harassed those women!  There are two things Hermain Cain needs: pizza, and titties, and unfortunately, the closest thing you can get to breasts on a pizza is chicken breast."  Throughout the conference, Cain seemed greatly unapologetic about committing sexual harassment.  When asked about his motives, Cain responded, "C'mon, I'm a guy."  The only thing Cain appeared apologetic for was misleading the public.  Cain expressed great remorse for not knowing the definition of sexual harassment, but stated that it should have been obvious that he committed sexual harassment.  Cain stated, "I'm terribly sorry that I couldn't accurately report on what I had done, but the signs were everywhere.  Didn't anyone ever stop to wonder why I was smiling at the end of my campaign ad?"  Indeed, Cain embraces the sexual harassment charges, as he says that his past abuses have added great numbers to his "poon count."  Cain stated that he is sorry the public doesn't understand how awesome it was, and hopes that the left-wing-mainstream media can stop attacking him and focus on the fact that they're just jealous.  Following the press conference, Cain attended the launch event for his new condom line: Herman n' Squirmin.

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