Saturday, November 12, 2011

Penn State Students Protest the Firing of the Campus' Rapist

University Park, Pennsylvania-

Citing the recent uproar amongst the Jerry Sandusky child molestation scandal, Penn State has decided to fire its campus rapist.  "We simply didn't think it was a good idea to have a rapist on our payroll after we realized how mad this stuff makes you guys feel," said Penn State president, Ryan Palencko.  Palencko went on to state, "Ralph Reeves, our rapist for the last twelve years, has provided a great service to both the school and its students.  It's very sad to have to let him go, but we can see that it may not be in our best interest to continue having a rapist working for our school."  However, this news was not taken well by the students of Penn State University.  Many cite the personal relationships that they formed with the rapist, while he forced himself onto them, as reasons for why the firing was unjust.  "If you got past the whole rapey part, Ralph was a really nice guy," said student Peter Stevens.  "When he wasn't raping me, Ralph and I would chill on the quad, play some Frisbee, and talk about chicks we'd totally love to penetrate [...] it's just totally unfair that the school would take advantage of us and fire him without even asking us for our permission or input," Stevens said.  Stevens was joined by a group of approximately 800 fellow students at a campus-wide protest protesting the firing of Reeves.  The protest mainly focused on the seemingly unjust firing of the school's lone rapist.  Signs were held up that stated slogans like, "Since when is rape wrong?" and "It's not rape if we like Ralph."  Nevertheless, the protest failed to sway the opinions of the administration.  "Look, we like Ralph just as much as you do, but unfortunately, today's America vilifies rapists in a completely unfair manner, and we have to comply with those standards," said Dean Kevin Holt.  Holt went on to say that if rapists ever become accepted as the sometimes great people they are, then Ralph Reeves would get his job back.  But as the Jerry Sandusky scandal unfolds, the school has gone into damage control and fired faculty that many students saw as staples of the school.  To the students, Reeves, like ex-football coach Joe Paterno, was simply irreplaceable, and one of the main draws to the school.  As a continued form of protest against the school, students have vowed to camp outside the head office until Reeves gets his job back in a protest named "Occupy our Crevices." 

Friday, November 11, 2011

Hermain Cain: "Oh, THAT'S what Sexual Harassment Is!"

Savannah, Georgia-

In a press conference today, Hermain Cain, seemingly bewildered, admitted to the sexual harassment of multiple women during his time as president of the National Restaurant Association.  Cain stated that the reason he had been denying the allegations for the past 2 weeks was due to a misunderstanding about the definition of sexual harassment.  "I deeply apologize for misleading you for the past couple of weeks," Cain said, "In all honesty, Herman Cain thought sexual harassment was that kinky kind of sex where you shout insults at your partner."  Cain went on to say, "Hell yeah, I sexually harassed those women!  There are two things Hermain Cain needs: pizza, and titties, and unfortunately, the closest thing you can get to breasts on a pizza is chicken breast."  Throughout the conference, Cain seemed greatly unapologetic about committing sexual harassment.  When asked about his motives, Cain responded, "C'mon, I'm a guy."  The only thing Cain appeared apologetic for was misleading the public.  Cain expressed great remorse for not knowing the definition of sexual harassment, but stated that it should have been obvious that he committed sexual harassment.  Cain stated, "I'm terribly sorry that I couldn't accurately report on what I had done, but the signs were everywhere.  Didn't anyone ever stop to wonder why I was smiling at the end of my campaign ad?"  Indeed, Cain embraces the sexual harassment charges, as he says that his past abuses have added great numbers to his "poon count."  Cain stated that he is sorry the public doesn't understand how awesome it was, and hopes that the left-wing-mainstream media can stop attacking him and focus on the fact that they're just jealous.  Following the press conference, Cain attended the launch event for his new condom line: Herman n' Squirmin.